In honor of all The Onion's back archives being made freely available, I humbly present Bill's All-Time Best Onion Articles:
I Enjoy Being a Battery
Angry God Clarifies "Don't Kill Rule"
Keep Your F*cking Sh*t Off My Desk"
Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation
Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty
U.S. Dept. Of Retro Warns: 'We May Be Running Out Of Past'
Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works
Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory
Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules (spinnity)
Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma (spinnity)
(Kudos to my friend Ken for noticing the new availability of these gems. There's even an advanced search page).
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2 comments:
Those are excellent choices. Keep your fucking shit off my desk: a timeless classic.
But here are my additions:
Supreme Court Rules, Supreme Court Rules!
Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma
I'm sure I'll find more. But I can't find "Bill Gates to get Half"
I would definitely add:
Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations
It Was Then That I Carried You vs. Bullshit, Jesus, Those Are Obviously My Footprints
There's No Way I'm Saving That Guy
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